dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
