i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Someone signed my nipple.
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