I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
