i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He felt like a one man threesome
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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