I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
