U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
