your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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