here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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