I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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