cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
