Texts From Last Night

• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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  (620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!" (785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me? http://tfl.nu/e8og
  Replies (37) Good night (1038) Bad night (3829)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.

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  (336): Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see. http://tfl.nu/n17o
  Replies (13) Good night (944) Bad night (2639)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.

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  (815): His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper. http://tfl.nu/rdz6
  Replies (35) Good night (2012) Bad night (2841)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.

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  (850): hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored. http://tfl.nu/m1fl
  Replies (43) Good night (1143) Bad night (7967)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

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  (303): It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes. http://tfl.nu/06hp
  Replies (36) Good night (979) Bad night (9769)
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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  (863): I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good http://tfl.nu/hwo6
  Replies (14) Good night (5145) Bad night (1376)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
  Replies (31) Good night (15195) Bad night (1970)
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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  (915): I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper http://tfl.nu/xgjg
  Replies (16) Good night (4150) Bad night (1657)
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

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  (479): Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me http://tfl.nu/g33s
  Replies (5) Good night (1957) Bad night (726)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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  (425): He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that http://tfl.nu/3z2y
  Replies (14) Good night (817) Bad night (2200)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me

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  (814): the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me http://tfl.nu/xcf9
  Replies (13) Good night (1513) Bad night (595)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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  (323): Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud. http://tfl.nu/58eq
  Replies (10) Good night (2798) Bad night (597)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.

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  (773): things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear. http://tfl.nu/iuyq
  Replies (3) Good night (443) Bad night (826)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"

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  (206): Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon" http://tfl.nu/mddc
  Replies (4) Good night (886) Bad night (307)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out

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  (540): He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out http://tfl.nu/wv7u
  Replies (1) Good night (536) Bad night (251)

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