I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney