Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?