i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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