Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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