i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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