walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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