i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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