hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
