Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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