he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
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I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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