Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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