Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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