I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
