The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
