Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's never too late to be topless.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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