took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
