I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
