I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
