Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
