I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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