remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How does it feel to date your dad?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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