Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
