i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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