No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
