hotel room ftw
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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