evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
