I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i need some magic done to my vagina
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