Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
