Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
