you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
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It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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