I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
