My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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