Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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