The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
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The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
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I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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