she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
