I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
