You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
one might say we're banned from that church
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
