Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
