My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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