He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
