Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We need a shit load of segways right now
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
