I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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