the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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