The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i out mim tonsoeep
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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