You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
