i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
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Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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