Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
